TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally from put. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have One more place where American men can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he really should cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an Trump Tower Damascus nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will likely include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have convert-down support."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It required a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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